Not too long ago, I was overwhelmed, overcommitted, and underwhelmed by my life. I was navigating the relentless pressures of an academic career, juggling personal commitments, and recovering from life’s unexpected turns, including a car accident. My days were a blur of obligations, and I felt like a passenger in my own story. Today, every choice I make — from the clothes I wear to the projects I take on — is intentional. And that shift? It changed everything.

I remember the moment clearly. It was a Tuesday evening, and I was sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by half-graded papers, an untouched meal prep container, and a to-do list that seemed to multiply faster than I could cross things off. My phone buzzed with yet another committee meeting reminder. My email inbox had reached that terrifying number that makes you want to throw your laptop out the window. And somewhere in the chaos, I realized I was living a life I had never actually designed.

I was saying yes to everything. Every opportunity, every request, every “quick favor” that was anything but quick. I was wearing clothes that didn’t feel like me, filling my schedule with commitments that didn’t align with my values, and waking up each morning feeling like I was already behind. I was busy, certainly. Productive? Arguably. Fulfilled? Not even close.

That Tuesday night, I decided. Not a resolution — those rarely stick. But a genuine commitment to intentional living. To designing a life that felt like me. To say no to good things so I could say yes to great ones. And that journey, while not always easy, has been the most transformative experience of my adult life.

What Intentional Living Means to Me

When we hear the term “intentional living,” it’s easy to picture color-coded planners or minimalist, all-white rooms. But I want to offer a different perspective.

Intentional living is not about perfection. It is not about having a flawless schedule or waking up at 5 AM (though if that works for you, wonderful). It is not about minimalism or maximalist or any specific aesthetic. It is about alignment. It is about making sure that the life you are living on the outside matches the life you actually want on the inside.

For me, intentional living means asking one simple question before every decision: Does this align with who I am and what I value? That question has become my compass. It guides my choices about how I spend my time, what I say yes to, what I wear, what I buy, and how I show up in the world.

It means choosing quality over quantity — in my wardrobe, my commitments, my relationships, and my work. It means creating space for the things that matter by eliminating the things that don’t. It means being present in my own life instead of rushing through it on autopilot.

And perhaps most importantly, it means giving myself permission to change my mind. Intentional living is not a destination; it is a practice. What feels aligned today might not feel aligned next year, and that is okay. The goal is not to get it perfect. The goal is to keep checking in with yourself, keep adjusting, and keep choosing consciously.

How to Identify What Truly Matters: Your Internal Compass

Before you can live intentionally, you have to know what you are aiming for. And that requires getting brutally honest with yourself about what actually matters to you — not what should matter, not what matters to other people, but what genuinely sets your soul on fire. This isn’t about a grand, five-year plan. It’s about the small, everyday moments.

Start by asking yourself:

• When do I feel most like myself?
• What activities give me energy, rather than drain it?
• If I had a completely free Saturday with no obligations, how would I spend it?

The answers to these questions are your clues. They point toward your core values.

Here is an exercise that changed everything for me. I call it the Perfect Saturday, and it builds on that last question in a way that brings incredible clarity. Imagine you have a completely free Saturday—no obligations, no guilt, no shoulds. You wake up naturally, and the entire day stretches ahead of you with nothing but possibility. Now, walk yourself through it hour by hour. What time do you wake up? What’s the first thing you do? Who, if anyone, is with you? What are you wearing? What are you eating? How are you spending your time? What makes you smile? What does the evening look like?

When I did this exercise, I realized something profound: my perfect Saturday involved waking up without an alarm, making my Americano in my favorite mug, spending the morning in deep work on a research project I was passionate about, taking a long walk in nature, having dinner with family with real conversation, and ending the evening curled up and slipping through an interior design book in my reading chair. Not a single committee meeting. Not a single social obligation done out of guilt. Not a single rushed moment, or should.

This vision showed me exactly where my life was out of alignment. The endless committee meetings? They weren’t anywhere in my Perfect Saturday. The packed social calendar with large networking events? Nowhere to be found. But deep work, meaningful connection, simple pleasures, and peaceful solitude? Those were everywhere.

From that clarity, I identified my core values: meaningful work, deep relationships, personal growth, and simple pleasures. Those four values became my filter. Every decision — from taking on a new project to buying a new handbag — gets run through that filter. Does this support meaningful work? Does it nurture deep relationships? Does it contribute to my growth? Does it bring me simple pleasure?

This clarity doesn’t mean you can instantly quit all your obligations. But it gives you a filter. It helps you see what is essential and what is simply noise.

Your values might be different, and that is the point. Intentional living is deeply personal. What matters to me might not matter to you, and that is not just okay — it is essential. The goal is not to copy someone else’s intentional life. The goal is to design your own.

The Art of the Intentional No: Saying Yes to What Matters

This might be the hardest lesson in intentional living, and it is also the most important: you have to say no. A lot. To good things. To opportunities that other people would kill for. To requests from people you respect. To things that are fine, decent, perfectly acceptable — but not great.

Every “yes” is a commitment of your most precious resource: your time and energy. When you say yes to a project that doesn’t excite you, you are saying no to one that does. When you say yes to a social event out of obligation, you are saying no to a quiet evening of rest and reflection.

I used to be a yes person. Yes, I will join that committee. Yes, I will review that paper. Yes, I will attend that event. Yes, I will take on that extra project. Yes, yes, yes. And you know what happened? I spread myself so thin that I could not do anything well. I was mediocre at a hundred things instead of excellent at a few.

I started small. I said no to buying a coffee at Starbucks every day, and that small “no” is now funding my savings for a “great yes” — a down payment on a cabin in the woods, a long-held dream of a peaceful retreat. I said no to purchasing another handbag, even though it was beautiful, because it didn’t align with my larger financial goals. This isn’t about deprivation; it’s about direction. It’s about consciously allocating your resources toward the life you are trying to build.

Learning to say no has been a journey. It still feels uncomfortable sometimes. But I have developed a few strategies that help:

First, I give myself time before responding to any request. No more immediate yeses. I sleep on it, check my calendar, and ask myself: If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?

Second, I have created a personal policy for opportunities. Before saying yes, the opportunity must meet at least two of these criteria: it aligns with my core values, it moves me toward a specific goal, it brings me genuine joy, or it serves someone I deeply care about. If it does not meet at least two, the answer is no.

Third, I have learned that “no” is a complete sentence. I used to offer elaborate explanations, apologies, alternatives. Now I simply say: “Thank you for thinking of me, but I cannot take this on right now.” Full stop. It is respectful, it is clear, and it is enough.

And here is the beautiful thing: every time I say no to something good, I create space for something great. Time for deep work on my research. Time for coffee with a colleague who has become a dear friend. Time for my Sunday reset ritual. Time for myself. And that space? It is where the magic happens.

Creating Daily Rituals of Alignment

Intentional living is not just about the big decisions. It is also about the small moments that make up a life. The rituals and routines that ground us, center us, and remind us of who we are and what we value.

I am a firm believer in the power of ritual. Not because rituals are magical, but because they are anchors. In a world that constantly pulls our attention in a thousand directions, rituals bring us back to ourselves. Here are a few rituals that have become essential to my intentional life:

The Intentional Pause: A few times throughout the day, I step away from my screen and make a cup of coffee. I use these moments to quiet my mind and check in with myself: How am I feeling? What do I need right now? What is my intuition telling me? This small act breaks the cycle of autopilot, creates space for clarity, and helps me stay connected to my inner compass throughout the day.

Boundary Setting: I now have specific boundaries around my work hours. I decline meetings that don’t have a clear agenda, and I protect my evenings for rest and family. This isn’t about working less; it’s about working with more focus and intention.

Dressing with Purpose: My wardrobe has become a daily ritual. Instead of grabbing whatever is easiest, I choose fabrics and pieces that make me feel confident and comfortable. Choosing to wear natural, quality fabrics like cotton, linen, wool, and cashmere is a small act of self-care that aligns with my values of comfort, sustainability, and longevity.

These rituals are not obligations. They are gifts I give myself. They are the structure that supports my intentional life. They are the small, consistent actions that keep me aligned with the life I want to live, even when the world feels chaotic.

The Transformation: What Changed

These few years into this intentional living journey, my life looks remarkably different. Not because my circumstances changed dramatically — I am still a professor, still doing similar work, still living in the same city. But how I experience my life has transformed completely.

I am less stressed, not because I have less to do, but because I have chosen what I do with clarity and purpose. I am more present, not because I have more time, but because I have created space for what matters. I am more fulfilled, not because my life is perfect, but because it is mine.

My wardrobe is smaller but every piece feels like me. My schedule is full but every commitment aligns with my values. My home is simple but every object has meaning. My relationships are fewer but deeper. My work is focused but more impactful.

I still have hard days. I still get overwhelmed sometimes. I still make decisions I later question. But the difference is this: now I am driving. I am not a passenger in my own life, reacting to whatever comes my way. I am the designer, the architect, the author of my own story.

Intentional living is not about having it all figured out. It is about figuring it out as you go, one conscious choice at a time. It is about getting clear on what matters to you and then building a life around those priorities. It is about saying no to the good so you can say yes to the great. It is about creating rituals that ground you and routines that support you.

An Invitation to Your Intentional Life

It is not always easy. It requires honesty, courage, and constant recalibration. But it is worth it. Because a life lived with intention is a life truly lived. And that, my friends, is the only kind of life I want to live.

Designing a life you love doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a quiet, continuous practice of asking, “Does this align?” It’s the courage to say no, the wisdom to create space, and the grace to be present in your own life.

I invite you to start small. Choose one area of your life — your morning routine, your closet, your weekend plans — and ask the question. What would it look like to make one small, intentional choice in that area today?

What is one commitment you could release? One ritual you could create? One value you could honor more fully?

Start there. Start small. But start. Your intentional life is waiting. That single choice is the first step toward designing a life that is not just lived, but brilliantly and intentionally designed.

XOXO,

Ivy